Snow White and the Seven Choices

As I rolled over on the creaky mattress, I was greeted by the smells of stale liquor, sweat, and bad intentions. The scents lingered in my nostrils while I blinked away the sleep threatening to take me back under its spell. I sat up hesitantly, trying not to disturb the body snoring next to me. A deep guttural groan slipped past my lips as the actions of last night ebbed throughout my bones. For the first time in months I could see everything clearly and I absolutely hated it. 

The vibrant light shining through the dingy bay window highlighted all of my life mistakes as it ghosted around the room. The cascades of orange and yellow hues danced across the walls, making the pure white powder on the table twinkle. The butt of the Colt .45 gleamed in the sunlight as I made a guest appearance at the rotting, scratched wood top. I snatched the pack of Marlboro Reds before any of the sleeping bodies had a chance and stumbled around to find a lighter, hell even a match at this point. I jammed my hand down the side of the couch cushion and to my luck I prevailed, pulling out an electric green lighter that matched my chipping nails. 

I shuffled my way to the barstool on the opposite side of the room, where the walls from the living room combined with the kitchen. It was my own meager attempt at trying to put as much distance between me and that angelic icing as possible. My hand trembled as I flicked the lighter, desperately trying to spark the end of my cigarette. The nerves coursing through my body made the tobacco bounce between my lips. I sat slumped on the stool, legs open, holding myself up by looping my ankles around the sides of the metal posts. I tapped my foot obnoxiously as the cocaine coaxed me to make an accidental glance its way. 

I pulled my gaze away, completely turning my head the opposite direction as a puff of smoke pushed past my lips. Irritation was itching at my brain, spreading through the blood that was flowing in my underdeveloped body. A body that I knew was going to give up on me soon, a body that was slowly deteriorating away until there would be nothing left of me. My legacy. 

Deep down, I knew that if I didn’t perform a bump soon and fill my body with the gentle powder that I would become antsy, moving constantly, depression nipping at my toes. I brushed my nose with the most serene care as the sniffles started to hit, afraid that a nose bleed would soon commence. I was desperate to wave a white flag and snap my fingers to immediately cure my body of the disease. Yet I knew that that white flag would be coated with crimson red after holding it to my nose, and that signaled a green light for cocaine. 

The tapping of my right foot now mimicked a metronome, supplying some ease to the tension as I knocked my cigarette in the ashtray. The smoke circled the room, suffocating all hope of survival. I stood up triumphantly, tricking myself into feeling superior, and marched my way to the poor excuse of a coffee table. As I sat on the lumpy couch, pulling at the greasy hair that was surely falling out, I stared intently at Snow White, waiting for her to make the first move. I longed to be able to focus on one thing, so I scooped up a portion of the powder underneath my nail. I tipped my head back, holding the left side of my nose closed, and inhaled the magnificent substance, repeating the action a couple more times. 

The icing was smooth as it coated my sinuses, making its way down to my core and stirring excitement in my very being. A head rush pushed through to the forefront of my brain, like inhaling nicotine for the first time in weeks. Forming a sentence or any words for that fact is nearly impossible during the first few minutes of the high. My head lulled back as I embraced the peace seeping into my skin. 

I stood up steadily, weaving my way through the furniture to stand in front of the mirror on the wall, the mirror that I tend to avoid all eye contact with during the day. But right now, Snow White was leading me to a new study: myself. The eyes looking back into my ocean orbs were frightening. They were beyond bright when juxtaposed against the dark, almost black circles placed below the pupils, dragging the contents of my face down into a puddle of regret. The hallucinations that were threatening to push themselves to the forefront of my mind were making my head pound. Giving my body a once over, I couldn’t help but feel powerful. The bruises and sores that decorated my arms looked like designer jewelry, the finest in town. Bones were protruding from each corner of my body, daring to rip through my skin like a death tool. My collarbone was gleaming in the sunlight like a tiffany necklace and a soft smile ghosted over my lips.

The dopamine and serotonin that was boosting through my body was quickly interrupted when the screen door slammed, making my thin body jump in fright. Even the lump snoring in the bed reacted, the dark haired man sitting straight up. 

“Lainy!” I heard the infamous voice yell, bouncing off the stained walls. “Here this was in the mailbox, letter from your parents.” She slams a pristine white envelope on the side counter. I saunter my way back over to the barstool, mimicking my same movements from earlier. My eyes focused solely on the envelope, not hearing a single word that Kendall was saying in the background. I could hear scurrying behind me as the random boy that was sleeping next to me collected his items and left. 

“Lain you know you have to respond at some point right? Like I’m all for you living your own life, experimenting with time, but at least let them know that you’re still alive,” Kendall spoke the truth and I hated to admit it. 

I nodded my head in agreement, knowing that I was going to need some more support from outside elements. I grabbed the envelope, not bothering to open it, and rummaged around in my purse for a pipe. The crystallized form of crack sat in the corner of the baggy, calling my name with encouragement, begging to be inhaled. I set up my performance with the utmost attention, ensuring every detail was perfect for my star role. I lit the pipe like it was a bowl of weed, breathing in all the delicious tastes that would hit my brain in seconds. This was what I lived for.  Counting down the seconds until my lungs were okay again, I would repeat the actions like a memorized choreography number. The crowd would be giving me a standing ovation right about now. 

I ripped open the envelope and flipped over the letter, quickly scratching down my handwriting on the back of theirs.

Heyyoo Rents!

I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I am also 

alive, breathing air, my lungs hurt from all the inhales and exhales I’ve crossed off my bucket list. I’m ALIVE! No need to worry my dudes, I’m with Kendall.

All the love,

Lain.

All the lies were seeping through the paper, drenching it, as I refolded it with my words out this time for the world to see. Kendall handed me a new envelope and I copied down the exact address. My eyes strained to make out the cursive scrawl, struggling to differentiate the r from the s. I threw a stamp on the corner, making sure that it was perfectly aligned before clutching it in my grasp. 

I looked around the old, one story, trailer home once more before getting up in triumph. The sunlight was immaculate, tricking me into thinking that life was practically perfect. The neurotransmitters that were firing throughout my brain from the candy I just inhaled were at an all new high. Kendall gave me a wary look and she watched me readjust a new cigarette in my mouth and I handed one to her out of generosity before I laced up my sneakers. She never questions, always stays silent, that’s what I like most about her, never telling me how to live my life. I flung open the screen door with a sigh as I soaked in all the beautiful nature surrounding me. My high was quickly taking over my body, telling what parts to move was becoming difficult, like pushing a boulder up a steep hill. 

I stumbled out of the broken screen door with the letter in my hand. The new cigarette dangling from my lips was pulling me across the cracked sidewalk as the letter began to crumple under my grasp. I twirled around while the wind threw my body every which way, my hair whipping around my face. Smelling the air as though it was a fresh candle, embracing the various scents filling my coated sinuses. The laughter that fell from my lips almost sounded genuine. 

My body snapped up straight as the tunnel vision began to gain control, the only side effect I despised about cocaine. I had no authority over my eyesight as the tunnel honed in on the rusting mailbox at the end of the drive, and suddenly, I remembered my desired objective. I staggered towards the piece of metal, humming various tunes as I let the nicotine exit my lungs. The cigarette was slowly dwindling and I couldn’t help but chuckle aloud. I was the cigarette, the cigarette was me. 

I reached out to pull the door down to the mailbox, lightly tossing the poorly written letter inside and closing it valiantly. I brushed my hands off and secured the cancer stick between my forefingers. Leaning against the mailbox to support my weight, I let a sigh leave my mouth as I listened to the corn stalks whisper in the breeze. 

“Oh, I hear you. What is there left for me to do in this town, this bum fuck middle of nowhere town? You must be content here corn, you always know your purpose,” I spoke to the simple crop as though it were mocking me, hands flailing through the air. I knew my peak was coming as my moves became erratic, it was only a matter of time before my high ended and I would have to start all over again. I let the cigarette fall from my lips, putting out the remaining spark with the heel of my tattered pair of sneakers. 

I could hear Kendall calling my name to come back, but right now I felt untied, life didn’t have me bound anymore. I waltzed to the middle of the road, of course looking both ways first, and then settled my body down on the black asphalt. I focused on my breathing, counting down the seconds until I would need to inhale again. In that moment, I felt weightless, like nothing could ever stop me. My body reached a whole new level of relaxation as the road began to vibrate against my back, shaking out any tension left behind. The horn beeping in the background was simply white noise and the yelling was the harmony to the chaos. At that moment, I was free.